


Friends With Benifits

by nixvixthetix



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Other, Smut, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 07:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nixvixthetix/pseuds/nixvixthetix
Summary: Originally on WattpadBased off a role play. Third person p.o.v."John you aren't gay..""bet."Alexander and John were the couple that got together in middle school and swore to never part. But after an intense argument one is left with a broken arm and the other a shattered heart.When they meet once again in college the feelings from before mix in with their fresh emotions and something forms.But that something isn't anything good.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Remember, this was originally from Wattpad. And you can find it on there.  
> It's not letting me post my chapters on there anymore idk

Alexander walked down the rather narrow dark hallway of the dormitory his only thought was to get to his dorm. He hated dark places, and also small compacted places. So when he was in a dark, small, and compacted hallway his anxiety really did set in. The halls had graffiti on them and in a way it was comforting. Because when you have nothing to see except someone's thoughts written on the wall that is what you would look at. Alex hated not thinking, because when you aren't thinking you're wasting time. Precious time he could be doing things like writing and or reading. Though if you are writing aren't you reading? Alexander shook his head while shrugging as he came to a stop. 221B, that was his dorm number.

Part of him wanted to turn around, go back to Nevis to live with his mother and brother. The other half wanted to go to the nearest coffee shop and start writing away. Alexander's hand was stuck on the cold metal handle of the breaking dorm door. The sides of the dorm door had rotting wood that made the young man recoil in disgust. Online this college had great reviews, saying how wonderful the place was, that the teachers were the best. It now made since why the dormitory ratings were on a completely different page. His grip tightening on the door Alexander turned his wrist slowly pushing forward the door creaking open. In all honesty he expected what he gotted. The walls had peeling paint, there was a small window layed just by the bed, in the corner of the room was the other bed, which had no window to glance out of. Which I guess in a way made sense because then you'd be looking into someone else's dorm.

One thing he hated extremly is that there wasn't a private bathroom to shower in. That means there was a public bathroom.... Alexander shuddered at the thought but slowly walked forward into the small room. He hated small places, he hated small rooms, he hated this room. He couldn't stand it, not to mention the lights in here were dim. Alexander had gotten to the dorm rooms a complete day before he was supposed to, only because he wanted to choose which side of the room was his. Also it gave him a lot of time to relax and take a breath before all hell broke loose. Only God knew how annoying his dorm 'buddy' would be. Or how much he'd annoy the other person. In all honesty Alexander hated sharing. SO he would hate having to share a room with some creepy ass stranger. He now wouldn't have to fight with someone on who got which beds. At least he wouldn't have to argue about shower times, though now Alexander would have to get up rather early to get to the showers before anyone else. For his own personal and reasonable reasons of course. It wasn't hard for Alexander to choose one of the small beds and lay down after testing the other. 

The first one was way too hard on his back, and felt awkward on his neck. Though the other bed felt much better, it cradled his back while massaging his tight neck. Letting out a huff of annoyance Alexander tore off the sheets, pillows, and blankets, that the college had provided. After tearing them all off and placing them into a not so neat pile under the bed, Alexander with a sluggish posture rummaged through his bag taking out his own sheets, pillows, and blankets he had brought from home. 

He wasn't a favorite of using bed items that other college members had slept in.... Or done other things in. Only God could know what they did with those blankets. Now as childish as it was Alexander had his own Harry Potter blanket with matching pillows and sheets. His mother had bought these for him as a child, it was a shock that she did that for him seeing as they weren't in the best of Financial Situations. 

Eventually Alexander had made his way to the bathrooms and was extremely happy to see no one was in there. Though it took him awhile to build up the courage to take off his shirt, Eventually, Alexander finally built up the little courage within him to finally strip of his baggy clothes and let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding in. The bone chilling cold air of the small bathroom shot against his now goosebumped skin. It caused a pleasurable chill to crawl down his spine though anxiety found its way clawing back up. What if someone walked in and saw him? What would he sa- what could he say? Alexander fell still for a moment letting his ears become apart of his surroundings. He listened for the faint breath of another or the pitter patter of feet. Besides the sound of dripping water from a leaking faucet, the shower room was more or less quiet. Slowly he shakily walked forward into the small shower compacted shower. The tiles on the walls looked as if they were molding almost like the door to his dorm. Alex was one to despise public showers though found a small part of him becoming thankful that this public shower wasn't all one big shower but in small stalls. Like you'd see in an actual bathroom. But these stalls seemed almost smaller, it made Alexander busy and didn't help the anxiety that was assaulting his mind. He reached up a small yet loud yawn leaving him as he pulled his muscles out of there tight position leaning to the left then the right, though it was a rather small place. Sadly there wasn't much place to even stretch so when he did his body was pressed against the sides of the cold shower. 

The strange thing is that it was damp meaning someone was in here not long ago. Alex shook his head with a shrug brushing the thought passed him. Alexander made sure to do a few more stretches with another tired yawn escaping his chapped lips. Leaning up one more time his eyes squinting as he took his hair from its tight ponytail, he let his long curly brown hair fall down past his bony shoulders. It went just below the top of his arched spine curling into his tan skin. Alexander glanced down at his shaking hands and shuddered before he though just below the tip of his arched spine curling in. Small uneven breaths left the small man as he reached forward fingers wrapping around the wet faucet, turning it slowly with anticipation. And of course with Alexander's luck the water that fell on his greasy hair was mixed with warm water slowly turning cold. The cold water scraped down his tense muscles that formed into his weak bones. Sighing he leaned back on the cold tile wall, a small moan of pleasure leaving him. It had been days since he had been able to take an actual shower. Alexander brought his hands up running it across his scalp the water, though it was cold, felt incredible on his now damp hair. Bringing his hands down he let his fingers slowly fall down from his chest rubbing in the body wash that felt smooth against his skin. Eventually Alexander finished wrapping his body up in a white bath towels that kept him warm and dry. Since no one was at the dormitory yet Alex walked through the halls only in his towel.

Laying down on his bed Alexander let out a groan of annoyance knowing he'd have to get up and actually have to go to college. It's not that Alexander didn't like to learn, he loved learning, reading, writing, he just hated the people there. With a sigh he pulled the blanket up to his shoulders wrapping himself into a cocoon of warmness before jumping out of bed, doing a double check to make sure the blanket wouldn't fall. His hair was damp and got rather tangly were it ended making him hiss in a little fit of anger. As he stumbled across the room to go to the closet so he could start getting his clothes up, the door to the room shot open. "Jesus Chr- oh hell no." He glared at the man who stood in the doorway whose glare seemed to be almost harsher than his own. "No, nope, notta, NO, I will not be in the same building of someone like you!" Alexander spat his eyes full of a new kind of rage and his small hands balled into tiny fists that made John roll his eyes and took off his glare replacing it with a smug grin. "Get out John!" He yelled almost like a small toddler throwing a fit when they didn't get what they wanted right then and there. The large black and fluffy blanket around his scrawny body seemed to become like a steaming hot towel left out on the beach. John had to contain his laughter as he stared down at Alexander who looked like an utter mess. It didn't take long for John to notice he'd really let himself go He was skinny, his hair was greasy though it looked as if he just took a shower, and his normal tan had disappeared and became a ghost white pale. Alexander felt horribly self conscious as John stared him down, what was he John even staring at. It took a moment for Alexander to say anything else but he eventually did. "Why are you even here? Thought you'd be going to Yale." John rolled his eyes once more in a fuck you too response.

"I thought I would to," John had begun with a simple shrug, running his hand through his dark curly hair with that fuck you face still there. It didn't look like it would be leaving anytime soon, and suddenly it did. It was replaced with a look of pure rage, anger, and sadness? "But I guess Yale.." He paused taking a breath before continuing. 'Did a background check on me and saw the police report that YOU made.." It took all of Alexander's sanity to not punch John square in the face right then and there. He could remind John what really happened that night he called the cops. He could.... But something told him better. Over the years Alexander had learned to control his anger and quick instincts. It had payed off. All ALexander had to do was tell himself that it was Johns fault and not his. Which was the complete truth. John had gotten drunk.... Alexander didn't take a sip. John threw the first punch had beat him up, Alexander didn't move. He simply sat there. John was the one who had started that stupid fight.... John was the one who caused years of hospital bills and years of therapy appointments. John started this with one word and ended it was a jaw dropping punch. Alexander thought for years John had done this because Alexander was ugly.... That he was different... because he was gay. Now Alexander knew he need not care for the reasons of John's actions, John was simply no one to him, he didn't mean anything to him... he wasn't important! What John thought of Alexander had meant nothing to him. For Alexander, this used to be a dream wrapped up in a ribbon laced with heart stopping pain. Though Alexander had oon come to realise that dreams are not reality. He now realised John was the one who caused years of hospital bills and.... John started the fight.... And ended it by beating the shit out of him.

Alex quickly stopped his mind from reliving that horrible night any longer, the image of John tackling him to the ground still fresh in his broken mind. The two stayed quiet for a moment, Alex trying to calm himself and John simply glaring down at him. He sighed quickly looking from John to the floor. Alex took a breath bringing his now terrified eyes back to John, "Well I guess Yale, as I would, doesn't want weird people who like to abuse others at their coll-" Of course John wasn't hearing any of it.

Not saying anything John was quick to push past Alexander, making sure it was enough to knock the other back. Ale stumbled almost falling on the floor but luckily the blanket kept him straight up in the air. Huffing out a fuck you, John layed multiple bags down on the empty bed then began to look over the small room making sure to avoid Alexander's eyes. Now part of Alexander wanted John to leave so he wouldn't ever have to see that horrible man again, though the other wanted to run into John's arms and cry. Cry from all the years of pain and heartbreak. Tell him how much he missed him, beg for him to stay and love him again. The more sane part of Alex knew better than to do that. John hurt him and there wasn't a thing in the entire world that could stop him from doing it again. So he would keep his emotions confined within him. If it got to the point where he felt as if he was going to break he'd go find his therapist. Before Alex could go off and set ground rules John spoke out. "I see you've made yourself at home," John was eyeing John's bed seeming deep in thought. "You really do still have that stupid Harry Potter blanket your mom got you eh?"

WIthout Alexander realising himself a spike of anger shot within him, aimed at John. His small toes curled into the fluffy carpet floor as his hands became little balls. "Oh shut up- and no don't change the subject!" From that moment on it was rather quiet and neither of them spoke. It was simply the two staring at eachother and standing still. Eventually, Alexander and of course Alexander, spoke first, "Why did you even come to this school?" He murmured his voice sounding almost hurt causing John to quickly look up in shock and confusion. Alex was quick to shake his head and look up at John. "Thought you didn't wanna be around us...." Alexander paused. "Heh... poor losers." John didn't speak and simply shook his head, any emotion void from his face. They both continued their silence when John took off his shirt. Alexander's eyes went wide and he quickly brought his pillow to his face. "W-w-w-w--what are you doing!?" He yelled into the pillow refusing to look up, "Warn me before you do that crap! Miss me with that gay shit!" Of course Alexander regretted those word they were very hypocritical. He was gay himself, or at least he thought he was. Only one other person knew he was gay and that person was standing right infront of him. In all honesty ALexander didn't want to see John's bare body because he wanted no memory of there good times. He wanted any time they had fun or bad together erased and trashed to the back of his mind never to be thought of again. 

"What's wrong Alexander?" Alex looked up at John for only a second and saw a grin that made his heart skip a beat. Quickly he looked away eyes full of an emotion that he couldn't explain. "I believe it's nothing you haven't seen before." Alex hated admitting that was true... he really really didn't hate it though. 

For once in a long time Alexander scoffed and rolled his eyes playfully taking his gaze back to John and leaning back. "And it's something I don't ever wanna see again."

Days had passed and there awkward tension between Alexander and John began to lesson with each millisecond. The change between the first day dn now was a dreadful difference. Alexander never tried to anger John, and John never tried to set off Alexander with sarcastic comments.. They began to enjoy each others company more and more and some days it seemed like they were friends. Internally they weren't friends... they honestly hated each other. But hid it with kind words and sweet smiles. Nice gestures and concerned requests. Asking how Alexander no longer purposely tried to anger John, and John no longer tried to piss off Alexander. They also seemed to strangely be getting along, which was weird seeing a few days earlier Alexander swore on his life that he'd kill John. 

Currently John was studying for an upcoming test they had coming up in a few weeks. It was a good and bad thing Alexander had almost all the same classes as John. Good because they could help each other with studying and homework, seeing Alex was the smarter of the two. Bad because Alexander and John pretty much hated each other. It's like sleeping over at your best friends house for a week... eventually you get so tired of seeing them and want to go home. Except there was no escape from their situation, there wasn't a home to go back to. 

"Hey Alexander?" John sat up from his curled position on his bed to watch Alexander. "What exactly are you doing?" 

Alexander stopped his stretches and tried to find a way to explain this to his dear fri- yeah no not friend-nd. "Well uh.... I do these daily stretches to help my back?"

"Why?"

"Police night..."

 

*AN hour later cause fuck you*

 

John sighed and walked outside, trying to calm down. All Alex ever did was write, it was unnerving. Like how can you sit in one place and just write? The audacity of some people. Ignoring the cold chill that ran down his spine he walked around the college campus, slowly calming down.

Alex stared at his computer fuming. All he was doing was typing! Jesus Christ this was going to be a long year. John got so mad over the smallest things it was so upsetting, reminded him of......

John came back to the campus about an hour later, the walk hadn't worked so he gave up. Right when he would calm down, something would piss him off. Any memory of Alex. When he walked back into the dorm, he noticed Alex was still typing away and he collapsed on the bed completely down. How was he still typing?

Brain wired on finishing this email, Alexander payed no attention to John. He had to finish this email. If he wanted to get into the special photography club, he had to finish this stupid email. 

"God, do you ever stop?" Asked John as he groaned, burying his face in his pillow. Alex ignored him for once, working on the conclusion of his email. 

John continued to groan and whine until Alexander gave up and slammed his laptop shut. "Did you say something, asshole?" John only shrugged relaxing onto his bed feeling rather accomplished. Alex closed his eyes stretching on the couch. He made sure to get as comfortable as he could. 

John gave him a strange look. Why would he sleep on the damn couch? Weren't couches in dorms a pain in the ass? "There's another bed you know that right?" Alex had gotten so used to ignoring John at this point, he didn't respond. Half because he didn't care and half because the sentence came out low and unbearable. "Alex! Did you even hear me?"

Alex turned around to face John eyes wide with anger, "What?!" John crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow. The hell was his problem?

"I aaid there's another bed you know." At this Alex looked at the other bed. He knew it would be more comfortable than the couch but he wanted to keep some pride. Wasn't going to show any kind of weakness.

"Well, I don't care." Alex turned away from John and snuggled into the couch. It was freezing because the window was open but he ignored it. He knew John always liked the cold. Even if the AC was on.

John had been watching Alex toss and turn in his sleep, looking for warmth. He just looked so helpless like that. John didn't know why he did what he did next but he did it. John got out of his bed quietly, grabbing his blanket, then carefully set it over Alex. He was about to go back to his bed when Alex's sleeping form grabbed his wrist loosely. When John tried pulling away, Alex's grip intensified. John chewed his lip in thought. If he slept next to him, I'm the morning Alex would kill him. If he didn't sleep next to him, Alex would freeze. He gave one last attempt at pulling away but no avail. Damn it.

"Goddammit Alex, why do you do this to me?" He whispered before getting under the covers with him. Alex snuggled up to John's chest and hugged him, loving the new source of warmth. John tensed up but didn't push him away or wake him up, Alex needed sleep after working all day. Even if he had another month to work on that paper. John fell asleep soon after, hoping that he would wake up first tomorrow.

Alex woke up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. When he noticed someone next to him he jump up, waking John in the process. "What the hell John?!" Alex shouted and John flinched. Nononononononono. John knew not to do this.

"I'm...not exactly sure." John replied quietly. Alex groaned glaring at John and rubbed his temples. 

"I have some alcohol so we can forget this ever happened. Come on." Alex said and dragged John to the kitchen. This wasn't the smartest idea but.... if it helped them forget so be it. He didn't ever want to remember this night. He handed John some vodka and took some whiskey for himself. After five minutes they were tipsy, after ten they were drunk. The last thing Alexander remembers was slamming John into the window. Not in a mean way.... but more of- and that's where he forgets. John eventually passed out on the floor and Alex collapsed on John's bed. The last thoughts he had was staring out the windows. What a night. What a night.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex woke up with a groan, his head full of a horrible new kind of pain. What happened? Oh God what did he do? It didn't take long for Alexander to realize that he wasn't on the couch anymore but on his roommate's bed. His heart began to beat like a race horse as he quickly looked around. Soon he saw John on the floor. He could let him sleep or wake him. Both bad choices. "John, wake up!" He yelled, causing John to curl up in a ball and cover his ears. Alex also covered his ears. "John, what the hell happened last night?" He got up and softly patted his back, as if to get his attention.

John held onto to his forehead like he where trying to crack an egg. But more violently. "Hangover...alcohol I'm guessing." He shrugged. Alexander was the first to glare and roll his eyes.

"I'll get some water then." Alex said and slowly made his way to the kitchen, trying to ignore his headache. With every beat heart made it sounded like a drum to his ears. He grabbed two cups raising an eyebrow at the rainbow color and poured water into each. And of course spilling slightly but not caring.  
Walking back Alex helped John off the floor sitting him down then gave him his rainbow colored cup. He'd have to bring that up later. "So do you remember anything about last night?" Alex asked then took a sip of water. He felt satisfied as the water soothed his dry throat. How long had it been since he drank a suitable liquid? John shook his head, making him dizzy. He then proceeded to down the glass of water in a matter of three seconds. 

"Damn, chill John." Alex finished his water after a few minutes and tied his hair up into a ponytail, then starting to type out another essay. 

John groaned "Don't start typing already, you're giving me a headache from just watching you." He went to the medicine cabinet and grabbed some Advil and another glass of water. After John took the medicine he grabbed two more and set them down next to Alex. "Here." 

Alex took the pills quickly eager to rid of his headache. "Thanks." He mumbled. John simply nodded. 

After another hour of hanging around the dorm, John got an idea. "Hey, wanna go on a walk with me?" Alex looked up from his computer and sighed. He couldn't say no, he'd look like more of a dick than he already was. He didn't want to go back to the says before he met John, didn't want to be known as the loner.

"Sure, why not?" He replied, saving his work and closing the laptop. John smiled and pulled on some jeans and a light weight jacket. Alex put his hair into a bun, it always looked better like that in the snow. Speaking of snow. "You're gonna need a bigger jacket." Alex commented while putting on a scarf and a large jacket. 

John simply laughed. "I'll be fine, I'm just more used to the cold than you." Alexander frowned, taking off his scarf and wrapping it around John's neck. 

"Let's go." He said while grabbing John's hand, pulling him outside. John raised an eyebrow but followed silently. It wasn't like Alexander to be so touchy.

Cheeks flushed red he pulled his hand from Johns, realizing what he'd done. As he walked ahead of John he started walking backwards so he was facing John. "So where are we going?" 

John looked over Alex's shoulder to make sure he wouldn't bump into anything. Like the burrsur. "Doesn't really matter. How about the woods?" 

Alex nodded "The woods sounds nice." The woods sounds weird. Somewhere a killer may hide his victims. Ew.

After a few more minutes of walking, they got to the woods. "We're here!" John immediately started climbing a tall tree like he was little kid. The snow began to fall around them a cold breeze consuming them. John scaled the tree along as he climbed it hands wrapping around it like a hug.

"What are you doing?" Alex laughed, watching John climb. A memory of his 6th grade year hit him.

"John be careful!" Alex called as he watched him climb the large oak tree. "You might fall and hurt your fine ass."

They both shared a laugh that didn't last long. "I know my ass is fine you don't have to remind m- ah!" 

John was in the hospital for the next week Alexander by his side the entire way. Alexander was also with him when he road around in a wheel chair for the next two months. "Not such a fine ass now huh?"

Alexander was taken from his memory by Johns laughter.  
"I have no clue!" John called as he climbed higher. He slipped on a slick branch but caught himself. Alex felt his heart drop and he quickly ran to the tree as if he would catch him. "This probably isn't the safest thing to do in the snow."

"Then get down!" Alex yelled back, his eyes full of blood shot fear. 

John shook his head. "I'll be fine!" He slipped again. "I think!" He said then finally reached the top. Good now come down. 

Alex smiled brightly, looking up at him. He only smiled because John had looked so happy. "Get back down here, you're gonna hurt yourself."

John pouted a little. "Dammit mom, you're no fun." He teased but started coming down. Alexander began to relax.

He rolled his eyes. "You mean dad." Alex laughed."Just jump down here, I'll catch you."

"You sure?" John asked, somewhat skeptically. Alex was kind of small.... and adorable.

"Yes, I wouldn't say I could if I couldn't." Alex said with a laugh. John rolled his eyes taking a breath and then jumped, screaming for the few seconds. He was airborne. Alex froze at the scream but quickly pulled himself together.

Catching John he laughed falling backwards into the snow, smirking up at him. "Told you, ba-John." He corrected himself. 

John blushed at both the position they were in and at what Alex called him. But he hadn't meant it.... it was just a slip of the tongue. Watching snowflakes land on Alex's nose he smiled. John looked up at the falling snow then back down again. "S-sorry." He said quickly.

"It's fine!" Alex laughed, flipping their position. "Snow isn't as cold like this." John laughed, face red the only thing hiding it was the cold air around them. And the snow that fell on his freckled cheeks. Alex chuckled and rolled off John, watching him play in the snow. 

"Hey, wanna have a snow ball fight?" John asked. 

"Nah not really." Alex immediately threw a quickly made snow ball at him, hitting him in the chest, then ducked behind a tree. The snow around them that fall suddenly felt feather light. It was one of those moments of pure joy, bringing them back to when they where children. Running around happily, laughing and clapping.

"Oh it's on!" John made a few snowballs sneaking up on Alex. At the last second he decided to tackle him instead. Alexander laughed, covered in snow. "I don't know if that's considered beating you but oh well." They both shared a wonderful laugh. John sounded so happy.

Alex eventually looked up at him. "Nope." Without warning he threw a handful of loose snow at John's face. 

John jumped before shaking off the snow. "Hey!" He yelped then straddled Alex's hips so he couldn't move and dropped a bunch of snow on his face. 

Alex coughed before he began to laugh. "I can't see, bro." 

"Sucks to be you." John giggled but brushed some snow off his eyelids. Shaking around Alex tried to get the remaining snow off his nose. John laughed at this and said "You're so cu-such a dork." He fixed his sentence quickly with a cough.

"I'm not a dork." Alex rolled his eyes and playfully tried pushing John off of him. It wasn't Alexander's fault he was small. More of his mother's fault.

John fell over and laughed. "Yes you are." He smiled widely eyes full of amusement.

"You're so bea-weird." Alex sat up and brushed the snow off whatever snow was on Johns face.

John just smiled. "I know I am but so are you."

Alex tackled John and threw more loose snow on his face. "I win!" He yelled laughing.

John spit out the snow that got into his mouth. "No fair!" He tried wiggling out from underneath Alex but no avail. Damn he'd grown since highschool.

"You're so small." Alex laughed and wiggled on top of him. In an almost teasing way. Almost. John pouted and tried using Alex's arms to pull him up. "Stop it you." Alex snickered and held him down. John struggled against him then looked up at him. Blushing slightly he then looked away, still trying to get out of his grip.

Alex chuckled and leaned down as if to kiss him but pulled away. As the thought came to mind. No, he broke up with you. He hates you You haven't seen him in three years. He left you. Face now flushed red he was thankful for the snow. Alex laughed then dropped more snow on top of John. 

Shaking his head around and groaning he glared up at Alex. John then stuck his tongue out, the cold air around him wrapping like a blanket around it. "Fuck you!" John said with a groan.

Alex leaned closer to his face so they were inches apart. "I wouldn't mind doing that to you." He whispered with a grin stroking his appearance. John blushed a deep crimson face beat red at this point, the cold air unable to hide this. Alex pulled away with wide eyes. "J-joking!" 

John laughed at him, still blushing. "Of course you are."

Alex pushed him down once more, sticking his tongue out. "Fight me." And it sounded more like bite me to John. But the question was where? 

"You still have the advantage, no fair." John pouted.

"Life's not faaair." Alex sang and continued dumping snow on Johns face. 

John scrunched up his nose at the coldness. "You're meeeaaan." He whined. 

"I'm niiiice." Alex snickered. 

"You're also a liar." He said, giving up on getting out of his grip. 

Alex lfrowned, loosining his hold on John. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

John took the opportunity to jump out from under him and run around. "I'm free!"

"You little-" Alex got up and chased John. 

John ran as fast as he could then slipped on ice and fell. "Nuuuuu." 

Alex jumped on top of him. "Got you!" 

John pouted. "Dammit, I just got away."

"You're so small I swear." Alex said and pushed a piece of hair out of John's face. 

"You're not the tallest yourself." John pointed out.

"Still taller than you." Alex said while practically laying down on John, what some would call cuddling.

John rolled his eyes. "True but...nevermind, I got nothing."

Alex grinned and leaned down, kissing John's nose, failing to realize what he did. John blushed brightly and raised an eyebrow, trying to suppress a smile and sigh of content. 

Alex blinked then blushed. "S-sorry." He said, getting off of John and sitting next to him. 

John laughed. "It's okay."

"John, why did you want me to go on a walk with you? The John I knew in highschool would have pulled out a blunt."

John shrugged. "Just wanted to hang out I guess." He wouldn't dare tell Alex the real reason. If Alexander knew he would....

Alex layed down next to John. "Well guess what?" John raised an eyebrow at him for him to continue. "Selfie!" Alex yelled, pulled out his phone, and snapped a picture of them. 

John groaned. "Dammit, I'm gonna look horrible."

Alex shook his head and showed him the picture. "See? You look cu-good." He pointed out the snow on Johns nose. 

John rolled his eyes and rested his head on Alex's shoulder. "Yeah, whatever."

A few hours later of talking and being little shits, Alex noticed it was starting to get dark. The air around them was getting colder and the snow began to fall much faster. He also noticed that John was shaking, though he was trying to hide it. He wasn't very good at it either. With a small groan he took off his scarf wrapping it around John's neck. John rolled his eyes. "I'm fine, I promise! Take back your scarf." John took it off and gave it back, but Alex put it back on him. This repeated 5 times before John gave up. The two walked along the snow covered road. 

John and Alexander where to blinded by there happiness to actually take in there surroundings. "I have to admit that's pretty gay, even for you John." Thomas laughed coming out from the snow covered oak trees. "John! I had no idea. I didn't know you still dated guys! Last I heard you broke some poor boys soul in highschool."

Alexander's embarrassed eyes where covered by his stone hard glare. Thomas and Alexander met in sixth grade.....and from that point on they hated eachother. Hands balling into fists Alexander stepped forward. How long had Thomas been watching? It wasn't long before Madison pranced out from the bushes. That arrogant mother fuc- "Oh Thomas, isn't blackmail just wonderful?" The fuck kind of question was that? "It can get you anything you want. I should post these pictures shouldn't I Thomas?"

Alex laughed sarcastically, trying to make it look like he was calm. *he was internally screaming* "Pictures? Alexander took another step forward maybe a few feet from James now. He looked around putting on an annoyed expression. As if this bored him. "Playing in the snow with John. Oh such great blackmail." He laughed.

Thomas cackled throwing his head back. What the fuck? What kind of animal was this macaroni fucker pretending to be!? "Care to share the rest darlin? I find these pictures..... heh" Instead of stepping forward once more with an arrogant attitude, Alex stumbled backwards eyes wide with anger. Only because Thomas had gotten in his face. "Quite discriminating."

James laughed loudly grabbing Alexander's shoulder. "Well we did get a shot of you two lovebirds kissing." He paused for a moment grinning. "Did you know that windows are easy to look through?" No they aren't you fucking idiot. Especially when the blinds are open." John would have to remind Alex to shut the blinds.

John groaned stepping in front of Alexander, confronting James. "Just leave us alone you goon, I swear your looking for a fight!" Alex held back a snicker watching John get so worked up.

"Fine you caught me!" Alex shouted throwing his arms in the air dramatically. "I'm gay and I like John!" With one last shout he went over to Thomas looking up and getting on his toes to glare at the taller man. "Oh and do you really have a place to talk Jefferson? I mean I could snap a picture right now, and somehow get a picture of James sucking your dick!" Thomas stayed silent glaring down at Alexander a new kind of anger in his eyes. If only Alexander knew.... Though John let out a laugh and felt his face get red. James was quick to nudge Thomas, a way of saying they should get going. Before things get out of hand... as in shit it's the fan.

"That's what I thought you twat!" Grabbing John's hand he tugged him along back to there dorm. "Let's go."

Thomas stood there baffled trying to figure out what to say. How dare Alex say that? Slander! "What do we do with the pictures?"

Madison rolled his eyes as if it were obvious. "Keep them of course." He laughed. "We will have to release them when there are the peak of their popularity. It'll bring them down so fast they won't have time to recover." That clever bastard...

"But would they even care?" Thomas questioned. "I mean Alex didn't give a fuck that we had those pictures, and was almost asking us to post them! Did you hear what he said to me James!? How dare he!" James had to stop himself from laughing. Thomas stood still and  thought for a moment..... "Do you think he has pictures of us?" He asked, suddenly worried. Thomas knew something James didn't... Oh god... Oh god.

James thought about it for a little bit eyes dull of emotion. "I don't think he does. We were careful."

Thomas pursed his lips then mumbled something, not sure if James could hear him. He prayed James didn't. He wouldn't be able to live if he did. Why did he even mumble it!?

James narrowed his eyes. "What was that, Thomas?" He asked quietly his tone laced with rage.

"I sent the video to one person, I swear!" Thomas said quickly.

"What the hell are you talking about?" James asked, more suspicious than before. Did Thomas actually....

"I may have sent someone videos of us... They were never meant to be used against us! I was getting rid of videos and pictures so my phone would have more storage and I sent a person the video so I'd still have it." Thomas said, hands slightly shaking. James was going to kill him.... he was going to kill him!

"Thomas! It doesn't matter if you didn't intend this! It doesn't matter that it was only one person! What matters is that Alexander got those videos and they can be used against us!" James raised his voice.

Thomas seemed to get smaller despite his height. "I'm s-sorry." He whispered, not looking at James. 

James sighed. "It's just that now Alex had those videos and we can't get them back. Who did you send them to originally?"

"See, that's the thing. It was when Alexander and I were friends-" he started, only to get cut off by James with a hard punch that knocked him down. 

"What?! How did you think it was a good idea to do that?" Thomas tried to cut in but James kept talking. Tried to explain... "No, just stop! I'm going to bed." With that, James headed over to his room, leaving Thomas alone on the snowy floor.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex laid on his bed staring at his laptop, looking through his gallery for no particular reason. With an all to amused expression. John looked back down at his textbook trying to study more. But a giggle from Alex drug him from concentration "What are you looking at?" John asked looking up from his textbook. He hated studying, he hated everything about learning. Alexander was a good quick break from studying. What was he looking at? "I've never seen you so amused by something on a computer." Most of the time Alex was angrily typing away or yelling at the laptop.

"Trust me John." Alex snickered rolling his eyes and grinning like the idiot he was. "You don't wanna know." 

With a huff John stood and jumped onto Alexander's bed receiving a large yelp from the other. Which has them rolling around and laughing for a short while. Eventually John spoke up turning Alexander's laptop towards himself. "Trust me Alex, yes I do." John was spoused to be studying for a final that was coming up soon but just couldn't concentrate. So what else could he do besides dick around with his friend? Instead of replying Alex gave John a rather strange look.... one he couldn't quiet place. The two both laid there silence consuming the room but certainly not there minds. Those where going crazy with thoughts. 

"You sure?" Alex asked and in mid sentence was cut off by John nodding rather quickly. Alexander then began to quickly look through his computer gallery. John noticed the picture of him and Alexander in the snow and heavily blushed. He looked like such a dork. Alex looked stunning...."Look away John! I don't want you looking in here- I'll tell you when you can look." What was getting Alex so worked up? Certainly nothing bad could be in there. At the glimpse of a certain picture.... John quickly complied and looked away. 

Alex quickly scrolled through the pictures and began to wonder if John had seen the picture. His face was now flushed red but his face glued to the computer screen helped it be less noticeable. Stop. Alexander had finally found the pictur-... well video. "You can look now Johnny." John quickly glanced back at the screen. They both waited for the video to buffer.

((I'll let yall assume what happens in that video.))

Words couldn't ever find a way to describe the look on Johns almost blue face when the video came to an end. How.... what.... no!? "B-but.... what?" His voice cracked and shook his tone full of confusion. What had he just witnessed!? Why did he agree to watch it!?

"I know!" Alexander laughed head falling down onto his pile of pilllows. And oh Alex was loving how flushed Johns face was getting, and somehow those freckles where still noticeable. Those adorable little freckles.

Throwing his head into the pillow below him John struggled and tried so hard to contain the confused noises that where escaping him. "I always thought Thomas would be top...."

Alexander nodded in agreement. "I used to think that to, but ohnygod nope. Mads totally plowed into that macaroni whores ass-"

"Alex!" John cried, face redder then Alex could of ever imagined. He coughed and sputtered as he looked up at Alex. "You don't just say that after we watched Madi-

"After we watched Madison fuck Thomas I know! Who knew Thomas was that kinky God damn." John threw his face back into the pillow letting out whine and yelped when Alex playfully pinched his ass. "That was our blackmail John, this." He pointed to the computer. "This is gonna keep us alive all of college." 

John glanced up, but just once more to stare at the computer. Oh.... so that was there life source. Alexander's hand was lightly caressing Johns back, for he hadn't of moved it when he slapped him. "Wanna watch some YouTube? There is a really cool band I wanna show you. Mumford and Sons, one of my favorite songs from them is Little Lion Man." 

There wasn't much debate for Alexander was already pulling up you tube. Somehow John found himself holding Alexander's hand, and it stayed like that until they both woke up the next morning.

The morning had gone by as normal as any other. But Alexander and Johns version of normal was debatable. They both bitched at each other with there grumpy morning attitudes, they both took showers. Oh and then bitched more. After that they sat, bored and studying. That's all you could do in this dumb dorm. It was so small.... so closed in. It wasn't long before Alexander was angrily typing away at the computer. John couldn't take it. Everyday. Type type type. Write. All he ever did was fucking type! "Wanna go get coffee? I can hear your stomach from the kitchen." It then occurred to John how long it had been since Alexander ate. If they went to get coffee Alex would stop typing and eat. Which could hold back an argument. 

Alexander looked up from his computer eyes dull of any emotion and shrugged. He wasn't hungry.... he never was, but he was tired. "Sure, why not?" There were so many reasons Alex could give not to go. He wasn't hungry, he was socially awkward, he hated going outside of his comfort zone. But.... John was apart of his comfort zone. John. John... Alex smiled to himself. John was going with him. That gave him some relief. John... a portable comfort zone. He was torn from his thoughts by a dumbfounded John. "Sorry did you say something?"

John groaned holding back tears. "Nothing....." He had just... no Alex hadn't heard.... he didn't have to know. "Let's just go okay?" 

Alexander nodded grabbing John's hand before he realized his mistake yanking away. No.... Alex stop you can't. He didn't like John. John hurt him... bad. He made it feel like every bone in his body where shattered. "Let's go...." He walked out the door waiting for John.

While the walk to the coffee shop wasn't very long, the silence made it seem as if it where hours. They didn't speak in the wayAlex laid on his bed staring at his laptop, looking through his gallery for no particular reason. With an all to amused expression. John looked back down at his textbook trying to study more. But a giggle from Alex drug him from concentration "What are you looking at?" John asked looking up from his textbook. He hated studying, he hated everything about learning. Alexander was a good quick break from studying. What was he looking at? "I've never seen you so amused by something on a computer." Most of the time Alex was angrily typing away or yelling at the laptop.

"Trust me John." Alex snickered grinning. "You don't wanna know." 

With a snort John stood and jumped on Alexander's bed. "Trust me Alex, yes I do." He couldn't study, what else could he do? Alex and John both laid there silent for a moment. John hated to admit it, but Alexander's sheets smelt really nice.

"You sure?" John was quick to nod moving closer to Alexander. But only so he could get a better view of the computer! Alexander then began to look through his computer gallery. "Look away, I don't want you looking in here- I'll tell you when you can look!" What was getting Alex so worked up? John quickly complied and looked away. Alex quickly began to go back in his gallery fingers tapping rapidly. Stop. Alexander soon found the pictur- well video and they both waited for the video to buffer.

((I'll let yall assume what happens in that video.))

Words couldn't describe the look on Johns face when the video came to an end. "B-but.... what?" His voice was shaky and full of confusion. What had he just witnessed!?

"I know!" Alexander laughed loving how red Johns face was, and somehow those freckles where still noticeable. 

Throwing his head into the pillow below him he tried to contain the confused noises that where escaping him. "I always thought Thomas would be top...."

Alexander nodded in agreement. "I used to think that to, but ohnygod nope. Mads totally plowed that hoes ass-"

"Alex!" John cried, face redder then a tomato as he looked up at him. "You don't just say that after we watched Madi-

"After we watched Madison fuck Thomas I know! Who knew Thomas was that kinky God damn." John threw his face back into the pillow and yelped when Alex jokingly slapped his back. "That was our blackmail John, this." He pointed to the computer. "This is gonna keep us alive all of college." 

John glanced up, but just once more to stare at the computer. Oh.... so that was there life source. Alexander's hand was lightly caressing Johns back, for he hadn't of moved it when he slapped him. "Wanna watch some YouTube? There is a really cool band I wanna show you. Mumford and Sons, one of my favorite songs from them is Little Lion Man." 

There wasn't much debate for Alexander was already pulling up you tube. Somehow John found himself holding Alexander's hand, and it stayed like that until they both woke up the next morning.

The morning had gone by as normal as any other. But Alexander and Johns version of normal was debatable. They both bitched at each other with there grumpy morning attitudes, they both took showers. Oh and then bitched more. After that they sat, bored and studying. That's all you could do in this dumb dorm. It was so small.... so closed in. It wasn't long before Alexander was angrily typing away at the computer. John couldn't take it. Everyday. Type type type. Write. All he ever did was fucking type! "Wanna go get coffee? I can hear your stomach from the kitchen." It then occurred to John how long it had been since Alexander ate. If they went to get coffee Alex would stop typing and eat. Which could hold back an argument. 

Alexander looked up from his computer eyes dull of any emotion and shrugged. He wasn't hungry.... he never was, but he was tired. "Sure, why not?" There were so many reasons Alex could give not to go. He wasn't hungry, he was socially awkward, he hated going outside of his comfort zone. But.... John was apart of his comfort zone. John. John... Alex smiled to himself. John was going with him. That gave him some relief. John... a portable comfort zone. He was torn from his thoughts by a dumbfounded John. "Sorry did you say something?"

John groaned holding back tears. "Nothing....." He had just... no Alex hadn't heard.... he didn't have to know. "Let's just go okay?" 

Alexander nodded grabbing John's hand before he realized his mistake yanking away. No.... Alex stop you can't. He didn't like John. John hurt him... bad. He made it feel like every bone in his body where shattered. "Let's go...." He walked out the door waiting for John.

They didn't look at eachother, wouldn't breath in the others direction just walked silently. That is until they got there. "Oh by the way," John turned to Alex with a fuck you grin. "I'm paying." Alexander groaned while John laughed. Alex hated having people pay for him.... it made him feel like he was poor or greedy. Sometimes both. "Oh don't look like that, what do you want? I'm getting a salted Caramel Frappuccino."

Alex had simply shrugged. "I'll have water." John frowned.

"We are at a coffee shop what do you read want?"

Shrugging again Alex glanced at the menu. "I guess I'll have...." John looked hopeful. "Water!" John let out a small annoyed yet amused groan while Alexander laughed. 

John had ordered there drinks and was now sitting down with Alexander, listening to him rant away about politics. He wasn't really listening to what Alex was saying but simply watched him. His face was flushed red and little strands of brown hair could be found stray from the ponytail. He looked so adorable. Before John could relize what a strange thought he had a small hand slammed down on the table making his coffee spill everywhere. "Alex!" John cried shooting up and wincing in pain as the hot coffee stung him through his clothes. "What the hell man!" Though before Alexander could even explain himself a rather pissed off John ran off to the bathroom. 

Alex sat there still for a moment fear swimming down his spine and anxiety clawing it's way to the surface. The students leg began to tap nervously his nerves bouncing up and down and fingers tapping against the table. Oh god Oh god if John only knew who sat across from then at the other table. And was walking over now. Find an excuse! Alex tried to think of something but by the time he was over here Alex was speechless. He couldn't find the will to speak. He was terrified. Images of his past flashed in Alexander's head causing him to visibly flinch. Go away.... go away..... go away!

"Hello darling." The voice made Alex jump up put of his seat in utter terror. "Take a seat baby boy... it's been so long."


	4. Chapter 4

Alex stared down at his shaking hands as a soft breeze ran through the chilly air around him. The feeling of anxiety was rising within him while a calming feeling was shooting down his spine, trying to reassure him that everything was okay. When in reality it wasn't and never would be. It was a brief moment in between high school and college that he met the charming man lurking over him.  Charming with a taste of danger waisted on his soft lips. An ex, though this one was quite like John. Not in look but inactions. Violent words that sent him into panic attacks and pushes that became too hard causing him to break to his knees. both with a manipulative tone that would always have him stay and want for more. That was all Alexander wanted.... love, compassion, and care, and that was what he gave his lovers. Though in return got nothing but pain. Pain that made him scream in the night and beg to not mess up in the mornings. For if he messed up, made one wrong move, disappointed his loves.... the punishment was severe. The love was no longer there (not that it really ever was) but was replaced with fists of anger laced with rage and words of terror. Love became something Alexander clung to and begged for. So he made sure to never disappoint his loves. Though the pain became to much and he could not find the will to listen any longer and screamed. He would curl up in a ball, find a dark spot, and scream his lungs out till nothing was left to leave him except hiccups and sobs. The result... was losing the love completely. After seeing how broken Alex was, the love would leave and let him dry out in the burning sun. The sun would leave cuts on his wrists and thighs, it would tear out clumps of hair, it would use his pain to bring him a sense of relief. A high. Though when the cutting and pain was not enough to bring relief to the man's broken mind he found himself in dark alleyways with bucks of 20's and tens stuffed in his pockets.  

He would either purchase drugs or sell his body in a pleasurable way to bring in money. Some nights were painful his clients unforgiving with their words and beatings, while others kept to his pleasure. Leaving him wanting and begging for more until he found his high. The need for that high never did stop but kept dragging him through the dirt until he ended up in college. Looking for a new way to be high. Sadly it seemed the more Alexander went searching for highs and pleasure the less he found. One day numbness clawed from Alexanders feet leaving a sense of sensation to the tips of his hair. That's when everything became blank and numb. nothing mattered, only college did. His plan...... go to college, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids, grow old, die and live in pure peace in the afterlife.

Then John... John returned to him in loves light wing as if he were a blessing from the god themselves. He was beautiful..... everything about John seemed to glow. He had matured more since high school. Having grown taller, longer hair, more freckles.... and his eyes, Oh those beautiful eyes. They would captivate the young man in a trance and could keep him there for days on end. The world could split in two, wars could start off all around Alexander. Though he would stay entranced in them. It was his new high, and oh did he want more. He begged for more. In the future, Alex could see himself kneeling down in front of an altar begging to be blessed with Johns love once again. He needed that love back into his life, he craved it. It hurt....  it hurt knowing he couldn't have it back. It ripped off his skin making him vulnerable to disease. It tore out his eyes letting him become one with the darkness and he felt weak. So fucking weak. Though if he somehow got Johns love back into his pitiful life the pain might leave. John... John... John... it was as if John were his one true love. Deep down, however, Alex had memories of the other.\

He met the other at a coffee shop on the streets of New York. The other had that charming smile we spoke of before that brought Alex in like Johns' eyes. it was beautiful, the words he spoke forced Alex to sit and listen. As if he were a preacher retelling an ancient prayer from times ago. The other one had the best gifts and the kindest words. It was all a trick, however, which Alex found out in the end. A trick to get his body, to paint words of love and curses of scars on the canvas he controlled. The canvas the other made. And when Alex pleaded and begged the other to stop and love him like before! It only got worse. no love could be found in that relationship. Now that Alexander thought back on it there was never any love. Love related to that relationship...?No. It was all business, I give you gifts of "love" if you give me your body. Purple Lips. Alex got purple lips. Purple lips were nothing to be looked upon in curiosity. The word should shoot one away in fear of getting them. Purple lips all chapped and bruised, once seen upon by one it becomes laced into another's mind.

 

Purple lips- Alexander snapped back into reality at that thought staring up at the other who had at some point grabbed ahold of his shoulder. The need to speak up was rising within Alexander and he opened his mouth. Though was quick to shut them in fear of getting purple lips that hurt him so. "Alexander," the voice sent chills of terror through the young man's veins. "I missed you so much... I regret leaving you... I miss you." Alexander had learned from experience, however, Do not let a man take hold of your heart and keep it as his own. For if he had your heart you could never leave him. Before leaving the other Alex snatched his heart out of the others clutches and picked up all the pieces. He ran... ran as fast as he could. He knew better then to look back, for if he did he would see the other looming over his shadow. He also knew the other didn't miss him. He missed Alexanders body. Suddenly nails dug into his wrist causing Alexander to nearly fall out of his chair in shock. 'You know how I feel about being ignored... when you don't reply to me, Alexander." 

John walked out of the bathroom and locked eyes with Alexander. Those eyes... they gave Alexander hope. They gave him the courage to pull away. Shooting up out of the wooden chair, that made a loud squeak as he did. Alexander smacked the other across the face. "Get the fuck away from me, Aaron!"

Soft purple lips that feel so gentle against mine, purple lips that I have claimed as my own.

Your purple lips whisper words of worship into my ears that I have begged to hear for years.

I worship your purple lips that I created with my fists of anger and white teeth that scar.

Though there are night's when I lay next to you and want to see the beautiful natural color of your pink lips.

But I gave you purple lips, and purple they will stay.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning, descriptive suicide attempt. Harsh language and tears.

"Yes, hello!?" Tears were streaming down John's face as he clung harshly to the limp body on his lap. " I need an ambulance at, ########### ######, My friend he..." He began to cough and choke and scream. Gods no. Blood was everywhere, all over his arms hands and face. "Please hurry!"

  
**_***3 hours earlier***_**

Back at their dorm, Alex was now resting peacefully on his _'friends'_ bed covered chin to toes with large blankets that were nearly soaked with his stressful tears. Next to him, sitting on a cheap bed side table was a bowl of fresh soup with steam making swirls above it giving the allusion of smoke. John was patiently waited for his injured friend to open his eyes.... to move.... to come out of his trance. Alex looked like a patient laying in a hospital bed with no jope of cure. The way his neck let his head dangle like a ragdoll made John sick while he battled down vomnit. Occasionally, his eyes began going dark multiple times tiredness over taking the sick feeling screaming inside him. John knew he should stay awake.... that he needed to take care of Alexander, to protect him. He knew better. But the convincing hands of sleep tucked him into bed without a kiss goodnight.

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Eventually, Alexanders eyes snapped open the bed below him becoming something that was no longer inviting. For moments on, Alexander refused to move mind raking through the memories of the day before. These memories were scarred down into his brain, glued down not going to leave. To heal the wounds of yesterday he would need a doctor. A doctor who could understand his pain, who wouldn't cringe at his flaws, who wouldn't turn him away at the first difficulty. John. He needed John. John was the doctor to clear his mind of any pain. John was the one to love him. The word love used to leave a disgusting taste running down his throat but now it brought not only comfort. But also John. He looked up at his lover eyes void of any emotion. Infront of him, John was sat lazily in a chair head hung forward in exhaustion as he snored. Pulling himself upwards he stayed still for a moment before standing. Though that didn't last long, quickly he fell into Johns lap and let out a struggled _help_. Quickly, his friend dtumpled forward taking his hand with a worried but welcoming smile. "You okay Alex?" Instead of verbally replying Alex geasped onto Johns hand pulling him closer until their lips met. This made him freeze up, terror mixed with anxiety. Oh god.. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do this to Alexander again, he couldn't and wouldn't. But the did. Leaning down into the kiss he grinned lazily, tongue softly flicking against Alexanders lip he deepened the kiss. Raising his arms, he let his hands carefully form a soft grasp around Alexanders face. And then all of his ugly thoughts and fear attacked him again, and he pulled away. "Alexander," He felt guilty. Kissing, he felt like he was leading Alexander on. "You aren't in the right state of mind, come on... just- lay down okay?"   
John stood taking a step back going to the kitchen and coming back with Alexanders phonr. "Here, someone has been calling you all morning- I'm just gonna..." He walked off.

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Alexander stared at the phone hanging loosely in his hand, greasy hair sticking to his head like a honey fly trap. The air around him was full of toxins that made him choke on tears with every harsh breath he took. He wanted to blame John's poisonous attitude that had infected him with the disgusting feeling. But he knew he did this to himself, by going to John even though the warning label flashed red infront of him. Next he tried to blame Aaron, that Aaron made him depressed. Made him terrified to commit to a relationship.  Made him weak. But Alexander knew if he wasn't such a fucking senstive little bitch, that Aaron would still love him. If he hadn't reacted the way he did John would still of to.  But he fucked up... He fucked up really bad. Like he always did. Why couldn't he have the strong but manipulative words of Aaron?  
Why couldn't he have the wonderful feelings he got from John?  
Why? He tried acting normal. He really did. He tried acting how others asked. He didn't wanna be alone... He didn't _**want**_ _ **to go**_.  
A small whine escaped Alexanders strangely purple chapped lips. Next came a weak sob, that left him choking on salty tears and snot that he refused to whipe off his blood stained face. And after the whine and the sob, came a heart breaking scream full of pain. The only reason no one called the cops was because no one could hear him. For he muffled his screams in his harry potter pillow. He really did need a knew one, this one had soaked up to many tears. Bastard, he stood the feeling of vertigo threatening to slam him back down.  
Orphan, he felt his feet dragging him to the bathroom the feeling of cold tiles somewhat comforting.  
Son of a whore, like the word the razor stung against his skin leaving no room for 'mercy.'  
Aaron, the way that stupid razor had been up until now against his skin.  
John, and in the end the cold object left a bitter sweet feeling running inside him.  
Alexander, stupid, useless, bastard, orphan, son of a whore, unloved, unwanted, slut, bitch, cunt, faggot, retard.  
die, the razor dug deeper.  
Die, the razor became coated in red.  
_die_ , Anger rose in him as the feeling of regret began to slip away.  
die, " _Hey_ _Alexander_ _,_ _I'm_ _home!"_  
_die, "I got us tofu for dinner, I know you are_ _upset_ _and..."_  
_Die,  "Alexander?"_  
**_Die, "Alexander where_ _are_ _you?"_**  
 **DIE! "ALEXANDER!?"**  
 ** DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DI- **" _John_?"


End file.
